DeNi's JoUrNaL

NEW LJ
http://no-minor-threat.livejournal.com/

At Bex's party.
It's so ace, but I feel so out of place.
I can't drink alcohol, no-one really seems to talk to me, and I'm being all moody and stupid and stuff...
And paranoid
and retarded
and ughhhhhhhh
FUCK ITTTTTTTT

My mobile is buggered. If any of you wish to contact me, email me, or leave a comment :)
Much love
And Luke, I'm avoiding you

Things are going really fucking well for me right now.
I have a beautiful boyfriend, who keeps me ohsohappy, I have the bestest best friend in the whole wide world *coughs* James *coughs*, I manage an amazing band, and I have the best mates ever. Just little things like Lindsey hitting Anthony in the stomach, and him collapsing on the floor. Woulda been less funny, had she not hit him stupidly softly. Lol.
And just sitting in her flat watching Ricky rolling massive spliffs, lol. And Linz planning to make space cakes. And trips to the cash point at 3am, only to realise Ant's money hasn't gone through yet. Being shaken awake at 5am, just to be asked "Did I wake you up when I got back a minute ago?" Going to wake your flatmate up to say goodbye at 8am, and him shitting himself wondering who the fuck is in his flat. Coming home to the smell of burning pizza, cause your flatmate actually made an effort to say thanks for going shopping. Having 14 year old stoners round at 2am munching through Coco Pops and Frosties. Having a double bed to myself. Falling asleep last Friday with James because he stopped over so I wouldn't have to be in the flat on my own while Ant was out.
It's fun, you know. I have the best friends ever. And I really appreciate them being there for me. People like Linz, Dan, Ant and James have made the last few weeks of exams bearable. Just running up to Linz's at stupid o'clock in the morning in pink fluffy jim jam's just to hang out. It rules.
I just miss Luke, haven't had chance to see him all week *is sad*
Oh well, I shall see him on Monday *grins*
Things are going ok baybeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Well, lastnight fuckin rocked.
Met Linz and Dan in Chelmsley at about 12:15, and we traipsed around for a few hours, then went back to their flat.
I fucked off for an hour or so to go see James's band play, and then went back.
We sat up for hours watching the footie, and then a random film, whilst drinking Cherry Lambrini, and bottles of this cheap ass lambrini rip off called Chardolini. :P
After much randomness of nightage, I was sat on the sofa with Ant, and he handed me his spare house key, and said, "Treat it as your own"
Yes... I have a key to his flat
Which I suppose is fair enough because I've been there all week anyways.
But yeah, it's kinda official now, I think I'm gonna move out and go live with Ant... Need to talk to Luke bout it first, make sure he's OK with the whole thing, cause I don't wanna fuck anything up.
I'm kinda missing Luke, like, LOADS.
I haven't seen him since monday, mainly due to my mother being an arse and not letting me out of the house much in the day, or Luke being at college, or me being too tired/drunk/etc to get to his. It'd be quite fucking nice to see him.
Think I might text him to see if he'll come round later before I go to work. Hrmmm. :)

Hrmmm, what an interesting week.... And it's only fucking Wednesday!
Monday night I went to Lindseys, and we drank mucho wine, played mucho X-box, then watched a Lee Evans DVD. And at 4am we were all still playing Monopoly :P
Met random new people, Dan, Chris, Taj, Ricky and Ant...
Oh. My. GAWDS Ant....
He's so cool.
He's 18, about 6 foot tall, floppy black hair, pretty blue eyes, and a cheeky lil smile....
We clicked straight away. He's such a lovely guy.
We had such a laugh, doing pointless but cute stuff, like slow dancing to Savage Garden at 2am.
Random compliments are also lovely.
"You look fantastic tonight"
Just sweet. I've practically moved in with him, which is a lil weird. Monday night, I was passing out about 5, and he just handed me his flat keys (he lives directly under Lindz's flat) and told me to go let myself in and get comfy. He came down about 5 mins later and apologised for his flat being a mess, and then apologised because he doesn't normally have people stop over, so he only has one duvet, etc etc.
It was all good though, we didn't even sleep, we just sat up chatting all night, and then at 7am, he walked me home, which was nice of him. When we were lying in bed, he told me he wanted to see me again, ASAP, so I said I'd go round yesterday, and he asked if I'd stay the night again, so I said yes.
Went to Lindz's last night, cracked open a bottle of wine, munched through chocolate, and curled up on the sofa with Ant, while she snuggled up to Dan, and we watched Love, Actually.
It was a nice night. About 2am I went down to Ants flat again, and he came down 5 mins later. We lay in bed again and chatted until about 4am, then we fell asleep together. He had even spent hours cleaning his flat because he knew I'd be staying. I have a sneaking suspicion I'll end up there tonight aswell. We just hit it off so well, and it's just cool. Obviously nothing is happening with us, because of the obvious, Luke. I don't even want anything to happen with me and Ant, just because I'm so madly in love with Luke, I'm just saying it's nice to have a guy who I'm properly friends with, who is actually straight :) lol
And Lindsay, my God, she's one of the most amazing people I've ever met. She's so lovely and friendly, and I love haning round with her. She rocks my socks :)
I'm so happy now...
But with my combined 6hrs of sleep over the last 2 days, I'm also tired, so I'm off to eat, then sleep...
Nighty night
:)

Main Stage
Friday 9 June
Tool - confirmed
Deftones - confirmed
Coheed & Cambria - confirmed
Soulfly - confirmed
Strapping Young Lad - confirmed
Soil - confirmed
Amplifier - confirmed
Saturday 10 June
Metallica - confirmed
KoRn - confirmed
Trivium - confirmed
Avenged Sevenfold - confirmed
Stone Sour - confirmed
Alice in Chains - confirmed
Arch Enemy - confirmed
Bloodsimple - confirmed
Satyricon - confirmed
Sunday 11 June
Guns N' Roses - confirmed
Funeral For A Friend - confirmed
Bullet For My Valentine - confirmed
Cradle of Filth - confirmed
Lacuna Coil - confirmed
In Flames - confirmed
36 Crazyfists - confirmed
Dragonforce - confirmed
Hatebreed - confirmed
Breed 77 - confirmed
Snickers Stage
Friday 9 June
All-American Rejects - confirmed
Atreyu - confirmed
InMe - confirmed
Clutch - confirmed
Sevendust - confirmed
Fishbone - confirmed
Dredg - confirmed
Bleeding Through - confirmed
Throwdown - confirmed
Saturday 10 June
Alter Bridge - confirmed
Opeth - confirmed
Within Temptation - confirmed
Secret Machines - confirmed
Billy Talent - confirmed
Henry Rollins - confirmed
Devil Driver - confirmed
SikTh - confirmed
Johnny Truant - confirmed
Khoma - confirmed
Sunday 11 June
The Prodigy - confirmed
Alexisonfire - confirmed
Eighteen Visions - confirmed
Hundred Reasons - confirmed
Aiden - confirmed
Fightstar - confirmed
From First To Last - confirmed
Soilwork - confirmed
Zebra Head - confirmed
God Forbid - confirmed
Gibson/MySpace.com Stage
Friday 9 June
Ginger & The Sonic Circus - confirmed
Backyard Babies - confirmed
Cathedral - confirmed
Engerica - confirmed
Bullets & Octane - confirmed
My Awesome Compilation - confirmed
Animalalpha - confirmed
The Audition - confirmed
Enter Shikari - confirmed
Art of Dying - confirmed
Saturday 10 June
Killing Joke - confirmed
Reuben - confirmed
Mondo Generator - confirmed
Louie - confirmed
This Is Menace - confirmed
10 Years - confirmed
Flyleaf - confirmed
Manic - confirmed
It Dies Today - confirmed
Living Things - confirmed
Gibson/MySpace.com Stage
Saturday 10 June
Exit Ten - confirmed
Stonegard - confirmed
Sunday 11 June
Sick of it All - confirmed
Skindred - confirmed
Moneen - confirmed
Darkest Hour - confirmed
Blindside - confirmed
Protest The Hero - confirmed
Mendeed - confirmed
Bring Me The Horizon - confirmed
Lauren Harris - confirmed
Voodoo 6 - confirmed
The Zico Chain - confirmed
Winterville - confirmed
Street Light Youth - confirmed
I-Def-I - confirmed
Snickers Bowl
Friday 9 June
Gay For Johnny Depp - confirmed
Keiko - confirmed
Sintuition - confirmed
Saturday 10 June
Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly - confirmed
getAmped - confirmed
The Hedrons - confirmed
Sunday 11 June
Viking Skull - confirmed
Betty Curse - confirmed
Evergrey - confirmed

unknown stage
unknown day
Motley Crue - rumour
The Offspring - rumour


OMG!!!!! CANT WAAAAIIIIITTTTTT!!!!!

Oh YEAH
Last day of lessons...
And mine and Lukes 3 month anniversary...
I LOVE YOU LUKE!!!!
And OMG I'm so sad its over.
I'm hyperrrrr
<3
And Becky has entered into the parallel universe again :)

Yeah...Lol, ghey title because it's signing yearbooks week this week, and the amount of 'OMGZZZZZZZ itz ova, enitz' in my book is unbelievable.
I'm having one of those, fuck, I have no friends weeks... :(
Charli, who I thought was my best friend, was planning a party, She wrote a list of people to invite in the back of her planner, people from Josie, to Scotts Boyf, and I wasn't on there.
And no-one really has any memories of me for my yearbook, it's all just 'Good Luck' and whatnots.
:(

But this just happened


That made me happy..
Now I feel loved...
I'm in a fairly good mood at the mo now...
Oh the joy of business studies :D

So why am I still with him?
I love him goddammit, and he loves me...and he's gonna get help, and it's all gonna be ok, it really is.
We can work through it, can't we?
I know we can.
It's all gonna be OK...
I just got this e-mail

"hello and welcome to the latest edition of this is today.
today we are talking about the way that Denise McCabe can change the world.
well she makes me happy says one young boy whos name we cannot mention for legal reasons *coughs luke rolls*
i love being around her and i have this gaping hole inside me when shes not there and it gets bigger and bigger the longer shes gone says another.
idont know shes a bit weird though and if she stays with that little bastard she with at the moment i'm scared that shes going to get hurt if not physically mentally cause i know for a fact that hes fucked in the head he likes haveing sex with sheep and chickens.
love ya fuckfaceand i am not the most beautiful thing on ther pla et and YOU CAN LIVE WITHOUT ME, and YOU WILL, do you understand.

snoochie boochies "

See, it's ok, we can do it....
We WILL do it...
I love him, and I refuse to lose him, ever...

Haven't updated in a while, sowwy....
Just so you all know, I'm still alive and shmiling, so s'all good...
Will bother to update soon, currently too hungover to give a shit, lolsipops.
Love n whatnots....

P.S. Luke Rocks my socks...... (even though I have none on so my toes are cold :P )

Sometimes things fuck you over
People fuck you over
People are wankers, yanno, but at the end of it all, there's people there who love you, n it's all worthwhile.
Luke, I serverely doubt you're reading this, but if you are, you must know, I love you, and thanks for being so damn great.
And do you know what, sitting in bed contemplating isn't good. I want to write down how I'm feeling right now, but I cant. I cant control myself enough to express myself, I need a shoulder to cry on.
Something about lying on Lukes leg and crying lastnioght was nice, especially when he didn't ask questions, just hugged me. Let me rant on about stuff he didn't understand, but he hugged me anyway. He really is a beautiful person.
And Im so lucky to have him
<3

Sometimes, when everything you take for granted starts to fall apart right in front of you you have to step back and take a look at the world.
You have to realise that it isnt just gonna be you that ends up fucked up.
You've gotta stay strong for the people that matter the most.
You've gotta grin and bear it, just so that the people who are hurting more don't have to.
Don't ever be afraid to cry, cause tears are better than ANY fucking anti-depressant
Don't push away the people you love, and the people that love you, because they are the people you really need.
Pick up a pen and some paper, or even just your PC keyboard, and write. Don't worry about it making sense, just write and write, and hope that it helps.
Never underestimate your strength
Make something random, or stupid, and give it to someone you love, just cause you know that it'll make them smile.
Hug someone you havent hugged for a while.
Smile at a random person in the street who looks sad
stand in front of the mirror, and realise just how beautiful you are
NEVER listen to people who criticise you unjustly, they're jealous
Stand in a field, on your own, in the rain, and dance
Sing in the shower
Buy a bar of chocolate for your mommy
And above all, love yourself, cause you're beautiful...
Be immature
Do something random
Tell people you love them


Dont ask me why I wrote this, I just felt the need. It made me feel better though, so I dont care what you think

I mean woah!
Recently, things have been a little more than just weird.
I don't know how to phrase any of this properly, I'm just gonna type, and its gonna come out, so dont expect any logic, I just need to spill....
Mark.....
After Reel Big Fish I just ignored him. I couldn't be arsed to deal with him, I just walked away with Ellie...
When I saw him, I just kinda realised, I never felt anything for him, not really. Yeah, I thought I was in love with him. I wasn't. I was stupid, so I apologise to all those people that helped make me see sense, but that I bitched at, especially Mike.
I've realised recenty that something has changed inside of me lately, since it all ended with Mark. I have so much confidence. I've started appreciating myself. I think being with Luke also helped. See, as well as me feeling so confident, and viewing myself as a strong confident person, Luke has helped back me up. He's been so ace to me lately. It's just thelittle things he does, stuff that shouldnt matter, but does. like him initiating texting, him kissing me, not the other way around all the time, him brushing my hair out of my face, telling me I'm beautiful, sitting in the rain with me to make sure I got on a bus home OK, nibbling my nose, calling me his pumpkin pie princess, telling me how he misses me. I dunno, I just don't think I've ever been this confident and smiley, and I see him so much too.

<lj-cut>
Sitting in his room lastnight, just cuddled up drinking Carling and watching TV, and I just started provoking him, being a general bitch, just wanting him to hit me. H dragged me around by my hair, and even flipped a coin to decide whether or not to smash my head through a wall. It was fun. He got so violent, and today he was slapping me, but the best part of it was, when it was all over, he just came out of it, and cuddled me, and kissed my neck and told me how pretty I was. i like that. I like that he can fulfill my fantasies of being beaten, but it doesnt change stuff between us, and it doesnt change our feelings. I really like that. i'm all achey at the mo, but its ok. :)

today woke up and wanted to kill every one you no the way that happens. only problem is that i did. theyre still hanging in my room i think i should move the body b4 it starts to smell.

Well, this week has been interesting to say the least. Sorry I haven't updated sooner, but I've been busyful :P
Anyway, err...
The weekend was, well, eventful to say the least, but let's not go into that part....
Saw Craig on Saturday afternoon and we chatted and stuff, and I like him lots, but what I've realised is that I like him more as a friend, just because he's such a good one. I'm not ruling out anything ever happening between us, but for now, I'm happy with him just being my Moomin Pappa. Especially the hugs and chatting part. And the random texts saying that he's dreaming of Moomin Valley and it made him think of me. :P
Also met a really cool woman, whose name I don't know, but we got chatting in forbidden planet. She's a 25 year old Maths Teacher, and she's pretty cool. We went to Maccies and she saw one of her pupils wearing drainpipes, and she was like:
"Oh dear, what ARE you doing in those trousers" to herself, and I laughed and was like
"Only boys with no penis wear trousers that tight"
At which point we both fell about laughing, and he walked away looking scared and the laughing and pointing. :P
This week has mostly been shiznit to be honest. Monday I was ill, so was in bed early. But on the plus side, I ended up chatting to Dru. It was good cause we hadn't spoken for aaaaaages...Well, a fair few weeks, but he was randomly on MSN, which was nice. He was telling me about all of his guitars and how sexy they are... (He has a £7000 dragon guitar!) I said he could marry me, then I could divorce him and steal his guitars. He said he didn't mind marrying me because I was pretty, lol, which was nice, but he said I couldn't divorce him and steal his guitars. Lol.
Also, Tuesday at work, out of the blue I had a missed call from Mike, as in my ex, Mike. I was like, uuuh, weird, but he called me back later and we chatted for ages about randomness, but we were talking about Luke. Apparently when I was supposed to meet Mike in town on New Years day for a drink, Luke came into town to see me, but when I phoned Mike to say I felt too ill, Luke went home. I was like, awww, he came just to see meeeeee! So I told Mike to ask Luke out for me, which he did, and now me and Luke are dating, so WOOOOH!
So thats basically my week. Between work and school its been OK.
Oh and yeah, by the way, to everyone who spoke to me at some point in the last fortnight....
Thanks for everything you've said to me. Thanks for all your advice. I'm sorry if I have dismissed or just completely ignored your advice. I do value it, and even if I don't admit to it, I know it's good advice, so thanks.

Wooh...The joy of suicide....Ever get the feeling that everyone would be better off without me... I fucked Mark over like all his other girlfriends. So we're 'on a break'
I feel like shit. Spent an hour lastnight listening to Bullet For My Valentine... and randomly breaking down in tears while slicing myself. I felt so stupid afterwards, but it felt so worthwhile.
I have spent so much time over the last few days considering suicide, to the point where I'm seriously afraid :(
I don't wanna be on my own this weekend, because I know I'll just OD again or something, but I'm wondering whether that's a bad thing?
But y'know, I just need space. I walked out of work last night after me and Mark spoke on the phone.
I just broke down at work, so my boss was like, go home, its OK...
I need vodka...
12 litre bottles in a fortnight...
I'm fucked up...
I dunno...
Hundreds of paracetamols are calling me, so I'm off...
And Mike, do me a favor, DO NOT REPLY TO THIS POST CAUSE YOUR ADVICE SUCKS LIKE A TWO DOLLAR WHORE!!

Dammit. I'm still waiting. It's like waiting to be sentenced to death or something. It's been three days since Mark found out about the whole Jamie/Craig thing, and he still doesn't know whether he's gonna break up with me or not.
On the one hand, I can totally see why he'd want to break up with me. I was waaaay out of order. I can't change what I did, as much as I wish i could, and I know that he won't be able to trust me again because of it. I can totally see why he'd dump me and go for someone else, someone honest. He deserves way better than me. He's one of the most amazing guys I've ever met, and he doesn't deserve to be treated like shit.
But on the other hand, and this is just me being selfish, I don't know what I'd do without him. He means so much to me, and like I said to him lastnight, I couldn't imagine never falling asleep in his arms again, never waking up next to him again, never holding him again, never kissing him again, never laughing with him again, never having the Mark monster blowing rasberries on my tummy again, never feeling the pride of saying "Yeah, he's my boyfriend" again. I think it'd kill me if I lost him, but I suppose that at the end of the day it's up to him, and what makes him happy.
But I seriously don't wanna lose him....
Meh...
Haven't even bothered going near Jamie this week. I know he's in work tonight as well and I just don't wanna go see him. I think I'll just stay away from now on. And I'm gonna work hard to make sure that if he forgives me I'll never fuck up again.
*crosses fingers* I hope he doesn't end it....

Getting high in chemistry is fun! No, sir, I will not stop sniffing the contents of the test tube!!!!